Cinna’s Easy Plays from Shakespeare 10

MUCH ADO ABOUT NOTHING

SCENE l

Leonato (reading a letter) : This letter says that Prince Pedro will return here tonight.

Messenger: Yes, sir, he should arrive any time now.

Leonato: How many men were killed in the war ?

Messenger: Very few.

Leonato: Good, good. But war is always a bad business. This letter speaks very well of young Claudio.

Messenger: Oh, yes. The Lord Claudio did wonders. Every one thinks highly of him.

Leonato: We all like him, here.

Beatrice: Tell me, sir, will the Lord Denebick come here tonight?

Messenger:Lord Denebick, madam ? I know no one of that name.

Leonato: Denebick, Denebick ? I wonder who you are thinking about, Beatrice? Ah, just a minute, you spoke backwards; surely you mean Benedick.

Beatrice: Denebick, Benedick, backwards, forwards, what difference does it make ?

Leonato (to MESSENGER) : Do not misunderstand Beatrice, sir. There is a war of words between her and the Lord Benedick. If they meet, they must always argue.

Beatrice: If Benedick can fight as well as he talks, then the enemy is in great danger. Will he come ?

Messenger: Oh, yes, madam, I saw him this morning with Lord Claudio.

Hero: Oh, Claudio !

Beatrice: If you like Claudio, Hero, you should rescue him before Benedick deafens him with his ceaseless chatter.

Messenger: Look ! here they come now !

(Enter PEDRO, BENEDICK, CLAUDIO, JOHN.)

Leonato: Welcome, my lord, welcome back to my house.

Pedro: Thank you, good Leonato.

Leonato: Congratulations on a happy ending to the war.

Pedro :Yes, the fighting is finished; now we plan to enjoy peace.

Leonato: I see your brother Prince John also. Welcome, sir. Benedick! And Claudio. Hero will be pleased to see you !

Hero (embarrassed) : Father !

Pedro: Hero ! Of course, I remember. Your , daughter, I think.

Leonato: Her mother said Hero was my daughter, that's true.

Benedick : Were you in doubt, then ?

Leonato: No, Benedick; you were a child, so I was not in doubt.

Beatrice (pretending not to recognize BENEDICK) :Who is this impertinent fellow ?

Benedick (pretending not to recognize BEATRICE) :Excuse me, madam. You must be Hero's mother. Claudio, bring a chair for the old lady.

Beatrice :I'm surprised you speak, sir. No one is listening to you.

Benedick: Forgive me : did you say something ?

Pedro: The lady was talking to you, Benedick.

Benedick: My lord, so many ladies talk to me, I have no time to listen to all of them.

Beatrice: Oh! The great lover ! It would greatly benefit the ladies if you didn't talk to them. As for myself, I hope to hear no man says he loves mc. I'd rather hear a dog. (BENEDICK makes noise like a dog. BEATRICE makes noise like a cat. All laugh.)

Pedro: So, the war has started again. Are you safe in your own house, Leonato ?

Beatrice: I doubt it, sir, I doubt it. Let us go in and lock the doors.

Benedick (bowing to BEATRICE) : Ladies first. (BEATRICE makes cat noise. Exit all, but BENEDICK and CLAUDIO : JOHN stands separately.)

Benedick (yawns) : Well, let's go and wash. I need some clean clothes.

Claudio: Me, too. Did you see Hero ?

Benedick: Who ?

Claudio: Hero. You know.

Benedick: Ah, Hero. Yes, I saw her, though I can't say I looked at her.

Claudio: I saw nothing but Hero.

Benedick: Good Heavens ! Don't tell me you are interested in Hero.

Claudio: Why not ? She is the loveliest girl I ever saw.

Benedick: Then my eyes must be weak. Beatrice is lovely to look at, but unhappily, inside her, she has a devil. No, no, Claudio, women are dangerous. I say don't marry.

Claudio: I am too shy to say I want to marry.

Benedick: Too shy? Well, that's not a bad thing.

Pedro (entering) : Come along you two, we are going to have supper soon. Why do you stand about here whispering?

Benedick : Well, my lord, there is a horrible secret. Claudio here ....

Claudio: No! No!

Benedick: You see ?

Pedro: No, I don't see. What are you talking about ? Explain.

Benedick: Claudio, the Prince Pedro wants you to explain.

Claudio (very embarrassed) : Well, sir, I . . . .

(BENEDICK whispers into PEDRO'S ear. PEDRO laughs. )

Pedro: Oh ! Mliss Hero, eh ?

Benedick (mimicking CLAUDIO) : Yes, Miss Hero, but we are too shy to talk to her.

Claudio (angry) : Drop dead.

Pedro: Is this true, then Claudio ?

Claudio : Yes, sir.

Pedro: You love Hero ? :

Claudio: Yes.

Pedro: Does she love you ?

Claudio: I'm not sure.

Pedro: If she likes you, then you should marry. She is a fine girl.

Benedick: We would marry her, if we had the courage to talk to her.

Pedro: Claudio is a little quiet sometimes, that's true. But on the other hand, you Benedick, have ten tongues in your mouth. Why don't you talk for him ?

Benedick: Me? Help Claudio to marry ? Why should I ruin a friend ? No, no, it is better not to marry. Women ! Noise, talk, chatter, foolishness, talk, talk, talk, talk, talk !

Claudio: Not Hero.

Pedro: True. She is modest and quiet.

Benedick: It's a trick ! A woman's trick! After she marries, it will all change. The modest and quiet Hero will become a noisy chatterbox like Beatrice.

Pedro: Then perhaps the noisy chatterbox Beatrice may become modest and quiet like Hero.

Benedick: If she marries !

Pedro: If she marries.

Benedick: But who could possibly marry Beatrice !

Claudio : You.

Benedick: Me ! If I ever marry, write a large sign and put it outside my house, saying "Here lives Benedick the married man".

Pedro: I will, I will.

Benedick: I think you will not, sir. I will die a bachelor. Marriage is for fools.

Claudio: If you want to make unpleasant jokes, I wish you would go away and make them somewhere else.

Pedro: Yes, Benedick. Go and find Leonato. Tell him we are coming in to supper immediately.

Benedick: Very well, sir, I leave you with my Lord Love.

(Exit BENEDICK.)

Claudio: Does Leonato have a son?

Pedro: I don't think so.

Claudio: I could talk to a brother, and the brother could talk to Hero. That would make it easier.

Pedro: No, there is no brother, so that's impossible. Now let me see. How can we help you ? Suppose I say something ?

Claudio: Would you ?

Pedro: If you wish. Now, what's the best way to do it ? Ah, the dance.

Claudio: Dance ?

Pedro: Yes, tonight Leonato has invited everybody and we shall have music and dancing.

Claudio: Tonight is too soon. My clothes are not fit for a dance.

Pedro: That won't matter. It's a masked dance, so no one will see your face.

Claudio: Does every one wear a mask, then ?

Pedro: Oh, certainly. I suggest this : I will put on a mask, and dance with Hero. I will say I am Claudio and love her and ask her to marry me. What do you think?

Claudio (doubtfully) : Well, it's rather sudden, isn't it ?

Pedro: I am a soldier, Claudio. Decision! Action ! Victory !

Claudio : Well, sir, if you say so.

Pedro: Agreed. Come along then. I wonder where my brother is. John !

(Exit PEDRO and CLAUDIO)

John (to himself) : So! My brother Pedro will wear a mask, and then tell Hero he is Claudio. Hm. Is this my chance ? If I also wear a mask perhaps I can join the party and introduce some mischief. Yes, it might , work. Then revenge ! For a long time I have wanted revenge against Pedro. (Enter LEONATO, BEATRICE, HERO.)

Leonato: Prince John ! Your brother is dining with us. Please come along and join us ! :

(JOHN shakes his head and exits.)

Beatrice. He's a strange fellow.

Hero: Just like a snake, if you ask me.

Leonato: Prince John doesn't talk much. He doesn't seem to have any friends.

Hero: My maid Margaret seems to like his servant Borachio.

Leonato: Tell her to leave him. I don't trust John far, nor any one near him. He is silent and sinister like the grave.

Beatrice: The very opposite of Benedick. I am looking for a man just half way between John and Benedick.

Leonato (laughing) : Yes ! Put half of John's silence in Benedick's mouth, and half of Benedick's breath in John....

Beatrice: Plus a great deal of money, plus a handsome face, yes, then you might have a man I might look at.

Leonato: Beatrice, Beatrice, you will never find a husband if you talk so boldly !

Beatrice: Me ! When the Lord Benedick starts waging his war of words a girl has to defend herself.

Leonato: Well, if Benedick is too noisy, Claudio is too quiet. The Prince Pedro is between the two, and, Beatrice I think he is interested in you.

Beatrice: Prince Pedro ? He is too old for me. And as for Claudio, Hero is waiting I think.

Hero: Yes, I am waiting.

Beatrice: Strange he doesn't say anything to you.

SCENE 2

(Enter all. They put on masks. Music; dancing.)

Pedro (in mask, to HERO) : Madam, may I dance with you ?

Hero (to herself) : It must be Claudio.

(to PEDRO) I am waiting for Prince Pedro.

Pedro: Then dance with me until he comes.

( They dance, and later exit.)

Benedick (in mask, to BEATRICE) : Now, let me think, who are you ?

Beatrice: I am Benedick.

Benedick: Benedick ! Impossible.

Beatrice: Good-bye then.

Benedick :No, no, don't go. Let's dance.

Beatrice: Can you dance with an impossible person ?

Benedick :I'll teach you.

Beatrice: Do .

Benedick: Who is this fellow Benedick ?

Beatrice: I was joking. That's Benedick, over there.

Benedick: Who, him ?

Beatrice:Yes, look at him. He thinks he is so handsome and clever. Behind his back, all the girls laugh at him.

Benedick: The girls laugh at Benedick? Why?

Beatrice: He is so conceited.

Benedick :I don't feel so well. Let's sit down.

Beatrice: No, dancing is better, grandfather. You should not drink so much ( They dance, and exit.)

John (in mask, to CLAUDIO) : Sir, are you the Lord Benedick?

Claudio: Benedick? Yes.

John: Then you are a friend to the Lord Claudio.

Claudio: Yes.

John: Warn him. There will be trouble.

Claudio: What trouble ?

John: Claudio loves Hero, but the Prince Pedro has taken her into the garden alone.

Claudio: Oh, that's all right. It's just a little joke.

John: Joke ? Is it? I think Prince Pedro pretends it's a joke, but in truth he plans to steal Hero and marry her himself.

Claudio: Nonsense !

John:All right, don't believe me. Go in the garden and look.

Claudio: Look at what ?

John: Why believe me? Look over that wall. If that is a joke, then, of course, everything will be all right.

Claudio: What are you talking about ? I don't understand. Explain.

John: I will explain to Claudio, perhaps. Go and tell him.

Claudio: Who a re you ?

(Exit JOHN)

Claudio (to himself, taking off mask) : I listen with the ears of Benedick, and I learn Prince Pedro wants Hero for himself. Can this be true ? When love appears, how quickly friendship vanishes. I had better go to the garden and see what is happening.

Benedick (entering) : Claudio ?

Claudio: Yes.

Benedick: Enjoying the dance ?

Claudio (very angry) : No.

Benedick (very surprised) : What ever is the matter ?

Claudio: Prince Pedro and Hero are in the garden.

Benedick: Well, that's the plan you made, isn't it ?

Claudio: I made one plan, but Prince Pedro follows another.

(Exit CLAUDIO.)

Benedick: Well, well ! First Beatrice talks to me but does not know who I am. Now Claudio talks to me and I hardly know who he is.

(Enter PEDRO, LEONATO, HERO.)

Pedro: Benedick, have you seen Claudio ?

Benedick: He has just gone to look for you, sir.

Pedro: Oh. Hero and I are looking for him. I sent Beatrice to find him, too. :

Benedick: Beatrice !

Pedro: Yes. She said you had been annoying her.

Benedick. Me! That woman drives me crazy.

(Enter BEATRICE and CLAUDIO.)

Beatrice: I have found Claudio.

Benedick : (to PEDRO) Sir, have you no work for me ? Can you not send me to some distant country? Is there no new war we can start somewhere ? Fighting is so peaceful.

Pedro: Nonsense. This house is the best place for you.

Benedick: I think not, so let me banish myself before my ears are infected.

(Exit BENEDICK.)

Pedro: Beatrice, you seem to have lost the love of Lord Benedick.

Beatrice: Have I, sir ? How careless of me ! But so many men give me their hearts, it's easy enough to lose a few of them.

Pedro: You are wrong, Beatrice, Benedick is the ideal man for you.

Beatrice: Well, sir, I don't know, but I think you wanted Claudio.

Pedro: Yes. Why do you seem so sad, Claudio ?

Claudio: I am not sad, my lord.

Pedro: Sick, then ?

Claudio: No, I am not sick.

Beatrice: Not sad, not sick, but perhaps a tiny bit jealous ?

Pedro: How can he be jealous ? Claudio, here is the lady you seek. Take her. I woo'd her in your name and she admits she doesn't hate you. Her father agrees, too.

Leonato: Yes, Claudio, take my daughter. I have no son and you will be a perfect son to me, if you marry Hero.

( Pause)

Beatrice: Speak, Claudio. Your name is not Benedick.

Claudio: Silence is the best answer. Hero, if you will have me, I am yours.

Hero: I will.

Leonato. Bless you both.

Beatrice: Don't lose him, Hero.

Pedro: Ah, a tiny bit jealous, perhaps ?

Beatrice: Jealous ? Me ? Never. I shall never marry! I shall sit here in the sun and grow old slowly.

Pedro: I found a wife for Claudio. Now, I will find a husband for Beatrice.

Beatrice: I don't want a husband !

(BEATRICE cries! HERO comforts her! both exit.)

Pedro: That is a high-spirited girl, Leonato !

Leonato: I'm afraid so. Forgive her.

Pedro: Oh, she means no harm. She wants a husband. That's why she denies it so strongly.

Leonato: Her heart is good, but her tongue is so sharp !

Pedro: Yet she would make an ideal wife to Benedick, don't you agree ?

Claudio :Benedick and Beatrice ?

Leonato: One would talk the other into madness in no time.

Pedro: Oh, I don't know. Claudio, how about you and Hero ? When will you marry ?

Claudio: Tomorrow.

Leonato: Tomorrow ! Impossible. How about next week ?

Claudio: Next week ? Impossible.

Pedro: Next week will be soon enough, Claudio, and we will spend the time laying traps for Benedick.

Claudio :Laying traps for Benedick ? What do you mean, sir ?

Pedro: I suggest a plan; let's trap Beatrice into marriage with Benedick, and at the same time trap Benedick into marriage with Beat-rice. Then you can all be married on the same day.

Leonato: Bravo ! Yes, a perfect plan. But, how ?

Pedro: Good, Leonato. How. about you, Claudio, will you help ?

Claudio: Oh, certainly.

Pedro: Excellent. Let's go and decide what to do.

(Exit all.)

SCENE 3

(Enter JOHN and MARGARET, separately.)

John: Pssst ! Margaret !

Margaret: Oh !

John: Are you Margaret ?

Margaret: Yes, sir.

John: You work for Miss Hero ?

Margaret: Yes, sir.

John: I thought so. Borachio works for me.

Margaret: Borachio !

John :Oh, yes, I know all about it. He wants to marry you.

Margaret: Yes, but we have no money.

John (putting money in her hand) : Here is money.

Margaret: Why are you giving me this ?

John: I want you both to be very happy. He is an excellent servant.

Margaret: Oh, thank you, sir, thank you. How can I possibly thank you ?

John: Easily.

Margaret (doubtfully) : Please tell me what you mean.

John: Miss Hero and the Lord Claudio will marry next week.

Margaret: Yes.

John: Claudio and I are very good friends. I say he hardly knows Hero. Benedick says he is too shy to look at her. So, I have planned a little joke. Tonight, I will take Claudio and Prince Pedro into the garden near Hero's room. After she is sleeping, you come to her window. Borachio will be waiting for you. He will then come to you, and call you Hero.

Margaret:Borachio will call me Hero ? Why ?

John: That's the joke. If Claudio knows Hero well, he will know the mistake at once. If he thinks you are Hero, however, he will be jealous and we shall all have a good laugh.

Margaret: I don't know, sir. It's strange joke. Lord Claudio will become jealous, I think.

John: After we laugh, I will explain everything. Now don't forget. Keep the money, and keep your mouth shut. This will be our little secret, eh ?

Margaret (doubtfully) : Yes, sir. Thank you. It still seems strange to me.

John (laughing) : No, no, no; It's all in good humour, Margaret !

(Exit both.)

SCENE 4

(Enter BENEDICK and young boy.)

Benedick: Boy !

Boy: Sir ?

Benedick: In my room, there is a book near the window. Go and bring it here.

Boy: Yes, sir. I am here already.

Benedick: So I see, but I want you to go and come again.

(Exit boy.)

Benedick (to himself) : So, poor old Claudio will marry. Ridiculous! Next week we shall laugh and talk of Claudio the Married Man, but never, I hope, will any one laugh and talk of Benedick the Married Man. Who could I marry ? It's impossible. The woman would have to be very rich, and very mild, and very kind, and very beautiful. Where can I find such a woman? She must sing well, and dance well, and listen to me when I am talking. She must dress well, and make the house comfortable. Her lips must be red, and her eyes black, and her hair........ well, the colour of her hair is not important.

(Enter boy with book.)

Benedick: Thank you.

Boy:I am back again, sir.

Benedick: Yes, but now I wish you to go again.

(Exit boy. BENEDICK sits and reads. Enter PEDRO, CLAUDIO, LEONATO, secretly.)

Pedro (in a whisper) : There he is, alone.

Claudio (in a whisper) : Quiet! He will hear you.

Leonato (in a whisper) : We want him to hear us.

( They sing.)

"Sigh no more ladies, ladies sigh no more

Men were deceivers ever

One foot in the sea and one on the shore

To one thing constant never

Then sigh not so, but let them go

And be you blythe and bonny

Into hey, nonny nonny."

Benedick (to himself) : What's this ? A hospital for sick dogs ?

Claudio (in whisper) : Let's begin. :

Pedro (to LEONATO, loudly so BENEDICK can hear) :Now, Leonato, where is Miss Beatrice ?

Leonato: Ah, sir, she is in her room, crying.

Pedro: Crying ? Why ?

Leonato: Love. Her heart is broken.

Claudio: But who does Beatrice love ? She always says she dislikes men.

Leonato: She says that to us, yes : but in secret, to Hero, she tells the truth ; Beatrice is crazy for Benedick. l

Pedro :Beatrice loves Benedick ? Impossible.

Benedick (to himself): Beatrice loves me ? Impossible.

Leonato (to PEDRO) : No, sir, it's all too true. In public she pretends to be cold, but in private, ah, her passions are wild.

Benedick (to himself) : Her passions are wild !

Pedro: But how do you know of this secret ?

Leonato: Let me explain. Hero and Beatrice sleep in the same room. Hero picked up a book of Beatrice's. A piece of paper fell out. On this paper was a poem.

Claudio: A poem ?

Pedro: A poem !

Leonato: Yes. Beatrice had secretly written a poem to Benedick.

Pedro :Did you read it ?

Leonato (showing paper) : Here it is.

Pedro: Let's see.

(LEONATO holds paper! others stand behind him and read. They say nothing but make sounds of surprise. BENEDICK looks at them anxiously.)

Pedro: Incredible. You say Beatrice wrote this to Benedick ?

Claudio: Shameless.

Pedro: It's a trick, Leonato, you wrote this !

Benedick (to himself) : Of course, it is a trick.

Leonato: No, no, it's a woman's hand writing.

Pedro: Yes that's true. Perhaps Hero wrote it.

Claudio :My Hero ? She could never write so boldly.

Pedro: Then we must show it to Benedick.

Claudio